Toldot

Let’s Have an Intimate Conversation

Can we talk about having an intimate conversation? For many people, even hearing the word “intimacy” makes them feel a little embarrassed, nervous, or squirmy. And if you actually start asking questions that require someone to reveal a part of themselves — to be vulnerable, to share something private — the discomfort can rise even more. But the truth is that deep relationships depend on exactly that kind of vulnerability. To build trust, connection, and real bonds of love, people need to let others see something beneath the surface. That’s where genuine human connection lives.

In Parashat Toldot, we encounter a relationship that seems to struggle with exactly this: the marriage of Yitzchak and Rivka. Throughout their story, it’s not always clear how much they communicate. Do they ever have intimate conversations? Do their personalities truly meet? Given their different backgrounds, it makes sense to wonder. Rivka came from ארם נהריים; Yitzchak didn’t choose her. This was the first formal shidduch in the Torah.

Their first encounter is striking. When Rivka sees Yitzchak for the very first time, the Torah says:

 וַתִּשָּׂא רִבְקָה אֶת־עֵינֶיהָ וַתֵּרֶא אֶת־יִצְחָק וַתִּפֹּל מֵעַל הַגָּמָל. וַתֹּאמֶר אֶל־הָעֶבֶד מִי־הָאִישׁ הַלָּזֶה הַהֹלֵךְ בַּשָּׂדֶה לִקְרָאתֵנוּ... וַתִּקַּח הַצָּעִיף וַתִּתְכָּס.

 (בראשית כ״ד:ס״ד–ס״ה)

Rav Naftali Tzvi Yehudah Berlin — the Netziv, in Ha’emek Davar — notes that Rivka was afraid of Yitzchak in that moment and covers her face in a veil, and that fear never fully disappeared. He writes that their marriage was not like those of Avraham and Sarah or Yaakov and Rachel — couples who shared deep emotional bonds. Yitzchak and Rivka struggled to communicate openly. 

This may explain why they never talk directly about their differing views of their sons, Yaakov and Esav and who should receive the blessing. It also clarifies why Rivka never shares the prophecy she received: וְרַב יַעֲבֹד צָעִיר — that the older would serve the younger. According to the Ramban, she keeps this from Yitzchak and this is why she has to convince Yaakov to go behind Yitzchak in order to receive the blessing!  

Perhaps the intimacy needed for that kind of conversation was simply never there.

Recently, I was reading The Power of Moments by Chip and Dan Heath, where they describe a study by psychologist Arthur Aron, creator of the famous 36 Questions. Aron showed that if two people — even strangers — sit together and go through the 36 questions, they can create a surprisingly deep relationship in just 45 minutes. The authors emphasize: “The critical realization, however, is that the cycle will not begin naturally. You must start it.” They challenge their readers: “This week, push intentionally beyond small talk. Share something real… Make yourself vulnerable and trust that your partner will reciprocate.”

Aron divides the questions into three sets. Set One includes gentle openers:  – Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest? – Would you like to be famous? In what way? – What would constitute a perfect day for you?

Set Two becomes more personal: – What is the greatest accomplishment of your life? – What do you value most in a friendship? – What is your most treasured memory?

Set Three becomes vulnerable: – Complete the sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ______.” – Share an embarrassing moment in your life. – When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

These questions gradually create openness, trust, and connection. And they’re not just for romantic couples. They can be used at the Shabbat table with children, with friends and colleagues, with relatives, or with fellow congregants. They are simply tools for creating human connection.

In a world filled with screens, messages, and noise, it’s easy to avoid the conversations that really matter — the ones that bring us closer. And so perhaps the story of Yitzchak and Rivka invites us to reflect on the cost of unspoken feelings, missed conversations, and emotional distance. Their marriage reminds us how essential it is to say what’s on our mind, to share what’s in our heart. 

Wishing you all a Shabbat Shalom filled with meaningful, intimate conversations.

Rav Bendavid 

For further reading, search online:

 “NYTimes - To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This” and “Arthur Aron’s 36 questions”